Live Free or Pie Hard
When the wife was pregnant with little Goliath, she asked if Iâd still find her attractive when she put on weight. âMore weight,â I instinctively corrected.â
Itâs perfectly understandable if a ladyâs weight yo-yoâs after such a stressful event, but with the wife, it merely yoâd. Thereâs no excuse for a Premiership footballer to âtubby upâ in such an outlandish fashion, so I hope thereâs no truth to the rumours emanating from Ewood Park.
Itâs alleged that a number of senior pros became hooked on pie and mash during the summer break. If the word on the street is correct, the players were so fixated with this culinary abomination, they stored a substantial amount of Fray Bentos pies in the club canteen.
Mark Hughes was understandably livid when he discovered the secret stash and immediately placed a lock on the freezer.
Robbie Savage considered the managerâs act a blatant violation of his civil liberties and threatened to leave the club if he wasnât granted immediate access to the forbidden pastries. Mark Hughes stood his ground though, and refused to release the pie-key.
The 6/4 for Middlesbrough to open their campaign with a win over Blackburn is as delicious a treat as anything locked away in Sparkyâs freezer of shame.
I was quite surprised when the news broke that Robert Earnshaw had joined Derby; the little Welshman obviously misunderstood when asked if he would like to join the Rams. Earnie can help Derby take a point off Pompey at 9/4.
Roy Keane was a fierce competitor on the pitch: he went through more footballers than Gemma Atkinson. Heâll need the same fighting spirit from his team when they face a formidable Tottenham side; Iâm tucking in to the Spuds at 13/10.
Newcastle have gone down the multinational road in their search for new signings. Big Sam has signed a Brazilian, a Spaniard, a Cameroonian, a Czech, an Aussie, an Englishman and a Scouser. It wouldnât surprise me if he made a move for the promising Russian international, Ivan Terbungoutofit. The Premier League computer has mischievously sent Newcastle to Bolton for their opening fixture; Big Sam has it in the bag at 2/1.
I have a lot of faith in Andy âMagicâ Johnson, even though heâs yet to master the âstaying on his feetâ trick. Iâll be making the 8/11 for an Everton win over Wigan disappear.
If given the choice to play for Chelsea at Stamford Bridge or represent a George Bush 11 in Iran, Iâd probably plump for the latter as the risk of injury diminishes significantly. Jose must be cursed; Iâm taking Birmingham at 11/2 to snatch a shock draw.
Iâm finding it hard to pick a winner in the West Ham v Manchester City match. I asked the wife for her opinion, but sheâs also sitting on the fence. Iâm now praying for the draw at 9/4, as I need funds for a new fence.
Aston Villa supporters could not be happier with the progress made by Randy Lerner and Martin OâNeill. The giant may still be sleeping, but heâs being poked with a pointy stick. Villa are overpriced at 3/1 to kick the season off with a win over Liverpool.
Fulham fans must be devastated. Mohammed Al Fayed gave his manager the green light to sign established internationals; and Sanchez tucked him up on a technicality. The Cottagers have never won away at Arsenal; the Gooners are the weekend banker at 4/11.
I was disturbed to read that Wayne Rooney has outrageously had his chest waxed. Thereâs nothing wrong with connecting with your feminine side, but only when youâre trying to find shelter for the little beard-hunter. Thereâs nothing camp about the 1/4 for a Manchester United win over Reading.
I just hope Ryan Giggs doesnât follow Rooneyâs lead, as the repercussions of dwindling wax reserves could prove catastrophic for small businesses. A little accer on Tottenham, Aston Villa, Arsenal and Manchester United at 13/1 will offer a lifeline to those most under threat.
Gerry McDonnell dabbles in football odds compilation, journalism and orphan rescue.