As a divorced parent, one of the most important steps you can take before getting remarried is to make sure you’ve let go of the strong emotions you felt due to the divorce. Those thoughts keep you focused on the past and don’t allow for accepting what can be in your future.
Moving past these emotions, is, of course, a lot easier said than done. Unfortunately, there’s no magic pill that suddenly makes you feel better. It’s the “going through” that helps us to grow. This month, I’d like to take a look at three of the most common feelings experienced by divorced parents and discuss why it’s important to put those to rest.
SADNESS
Sadness comes from many situations in a divorce. It can be when you realize that the hopes and dreams you had for the future with your spouse have died. Some people expeirence this sadness when they’re still married and recongize the marriage is dying. Sadness occurs during the divorce when everyone is forced to acknowledge the fact that the marriage is ending. After the divorce, it’s usually brought on by trying to help the children deal with the changes in their lives as well as grieving the loss of the family you had.
What’s the problem with being sad?
Once again, the problem lies in the amount of time and also the intensity. Adults deal with grief most strongly at the point when the incident occurs. We have ups and downs, but usually are on a healing path as time moves forward. If we just continue to fall deeper and deeper into sadness, depression may strike – effecting every area of our lives.
Depression prevents us from being there emotionally for our children. The sadness also puts you at risk for isolating yourself at a time when you may really need supports. Friends may try to encourage you to go out and have fun, but you refuse. This only escalates your feelings of sadness because you are alone.
LONELINESS
Adjusting to being alone after marriage is a hard task. We become used to having another adult in the house even if they weren’t especially helpful. There’s a comfort level to knowing somebody else is there. That’s gone once the spouse moves out during the divorce. You are left alone with the children. Then when the kids are spending time with your ex-spouse, that leaves you ALONE.
What’s the problem with being lonely?
Loneliness can be especially dangerous for a newly divorced parent. This is the driving force behind people rushing into a new relationship. Sitting at home alone on the weekends when the kids are with your ex can be uncomfortable. Climbing into an empty bed every night can be hard.
While hard, this is a HUGE predictor in remarriage success or failure. People who rush into a new relationship due to fears of being alone aren’t very choosy. They also haven’t taken a good look at themselves to see what went wrong in their marriage. Both of those factors combined create an ideal situation for ending up in a relationship with someone very much like your ex-spouse. On the surface they make look like the complete opposite, but deep down, they’re probably very similar.
ANGER
This is usually the one that people are willing to talk about. I don’t know too many people who’ve gone through a divorce and smiled about it throughout the whole process. There are countless reasons why anger comes up no matter who initiated the divorce.
After the divorce, anger can continue to infiltrate your life. You may be upset about your ex-spouse’s relationship with your children. You may be angry about your changed financial situation. Feeling angry with everything that’s changed in your life as a result of the divorce is normal.
What’s the problem with being angry?
The short answer is “nothing.” Everyone’s entitled to be upset. Divorce is a major, life changing event. We don’t usually like too much change at once. The problem is when the level of anger you feel stays the same or intensifies over time.
Remember the old saying, “Time heals all wounds”? There is a lot of truth to that. If you’re not “healing” then you’re getting stuck. That anger won’t allow you to be the parent you need to be. It also won’t allow you to be the partner you need to be in future relationships.
While each of these emotions are very normal and to be expected – it’s all up to you and how you handle them in deciding if you’re moving toward a place of growth or a place of repeating the past. None of these emotions are comfortable and it can be hard for us to admit that we even experience them. But, trying to ignore them by jumping into a new relationship in hopes of skipping over them just doesn’t work. What you’ll end up with is another broken heart and possibly another broken marriage
